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The Queen is a Top Aussie

Australians are proud to have the Queen as our Head of State, because the Queen is totally Aussie. The Queen is more Aussie than a pi**ed digger playing two-up. She loves her sport, she can sink pi** like a champion and she drives a Holden ute.

Queen wins Summernats Burnout Comp in blown Holden Ute

Photo courtesy of Canberra, January: Her Royal Highness stunned judges and wowed the crowd on her way to winning the Summernats Burnout Title in a supercharged Holden Ute.
In a three minute display of tyre-shredding aggression, the Queen completed six donuts and four figure eights before blowing both rear tyres.
The Queen, a self-confessed Holden nut, did most of the mechanical work on the stroked and blown 308 engine that powered her to victory.
A Summernats Burnout judge described her run as being "exceptional, especially considering she was holding a stubbie in her left hand during the run."
"We are f**ing stoked", commented the Queen after showing the first prize trophy to the cheering crowd.
Future plans for the ute include a green and gold paint job, and a rear restraint for her Blue Heeler 'Bluey', who fell out during the first donut.

Queen hits 80 in backyard cricket match

Newcastle, February: A backyard cricket game turned into a beer-fuelled slog-a-thon when the Queen smashed a massive 80 runs in a marathon innings that neighbours described as "bloody noisy".

The Queen took to the crease shortly after her 4th beer, and batted through until dark showing form that onlookers likened to "Bradman, well maybe a pi**ed Bradman".
The backyard, littered with empty beer cans, came into its own midway through the afternoon with the introduction of the "Hit a can, Skull a can" rule.
But the extra alcohol did not dent the Queen's concentration, says Johnno: "The more she drank, the straighter she played. The bloody beer just made her better."
Johnno admitted to not helping the cause by bowling 14 long-hops in a single over.

The match, extended into the night by backyard floodlights, ended in controversial circumstances when Johnno, unable to locate the ball, bowled the sack from a wine cask and took out middle stump. David Boon described the innings as "f**ing tops".

Queen's Victa won't start after 40 attempts.

Saturday, 9am: The Queen utilised most of the profanities in the Queen's English and even invented some new ones after 40 futile attempts to start her Victa.

"F**ing mongrel bastard!" said the Queen, pulling the starter cord.
"F**ing bloody dogturd thing!"
"Donkey-dick bitch-slut machine!"
"Useless piece of shi* lawnmower!"
"F**ing bloody F**-F**!"
The Queen kicked the Victa and stormed off in disgust.

Three hours later, when she had calmed down enough to give it another go, the Victa started perfectly on the first pull.
"That'd be f**ing right", she said.

Queen tells dog to shuuuudup.

Sunday, 8am: During a morning chat over her backyard fence to her next door neighbour, Her Majesty was overheard telling her dog to "shuuuuuuudup ya bloody mongrel!".
This news comes just days after the Queen was heard instructing her dog to "giddddown off me frock, ya bloody stupid dog!"

Royal sources tell how the Queen's Blue Heeler, 'Bluey', is typically a well behaved dog, but occasionally becomes a rotten little bastard mongrel.
This was confirmed later in the day, when a bored Bluey dug up the Queen's favourite azaleas and spread them all over the driveway.

Queen warned to cut booze, fags.

Tuesday 10am: "Cut the smokes, cut the booze, and lose the beergut."
This was the advice given to Queen Elizabeth II during her recent visit to the doctor.
The GP told Her Majesty that a change of lifestyle was needed if she still wanted to be Queen in 2010.
After hearing of her 4 pack a day habit and weekly consumption of 8 cases of Tooheys, the doctor said she was in the "extremely high risk" category.
He paused and added "I don't know how you are still alive".

The Queen, who drank from a longneck and chain smoked throughout the checkup, asked how the hell she could possibly give up nicotine and alcohol - her main reasons for living.
"We'd feel stupid watching the footy without a beer or a smoke.
But we suppose we should give it a go".

Queen Farts and Laughs.

 Monday,  4pm:    The Queen was observed laughing loudly and fanning air away from herself after inadvertently letting a massive fart rip out.
"We are glad that's out", said Her Majesty, before laughing again and shaking her head.
"Well spoken!" said her mate Johnno, who was nearby.
"F**k me, that's rotten", Johnno added a short time later.

Royal insiders told how the Queen often farts, especially after a meal of Heinz Chilli Beans, but said she usually blamed it on the corgis.
"Christ, that had staying power", said Johnno, 10 minutes after the incident.

The Queen later refuted an allegation from Johnno that something had crawled up her arse and died.

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