The Queen is a Top Aussie
Australians are proud to have the Queen as our Head of State, because
the Queen is totally Aussie. The Queen is more Aussie than a pi**ed
digger playing two-up. She loves her sport, she can sink pi** like a
champion and she drives a Holden ute.
Queen wins Summernats Burnout Comp in blown Holden Ute
Canberra, January: Her Royal Highness stunned judges and wowed the crowd on her way to winning the
Summernats Burnout Title in a supercharged Holden Ute.
In a three minute display
of tyre-shredding aggression, the Queen completed six donuts and four
figure eights before blowing both rear tyres.
The Queen, a
self-confessed Holden nut, did most of the mechanical work on the
stroked and blown 308 engine that powered her to victory.
A Summernats Burnout judge described her run as being "exceptional,
especially considering she was holding a stubbie in her left hand
during the run."
"We are f**ing stoked", commented the Queen after showing the first prize trophy to the cheering crowd.
Future plans for the ute include a green and gold paint job, and a rear
restraint for her Blue Heeler 'Bluey', who fell out during the first donut.
Queen hits 80 in backyard cricket match
Newcastle, February: A backyard cricket game turned into
a beer-fuelled slog-a-thon when the Queen smashed a massive 80 runs in
a marathon innings that neighbours described as "bloody noisy".
The Queen took to the crease shortly after her 4th beer, and
batted through until dark showing form that
onlookers likened to "Bradman, well maybe a pi**ed Bradman".
The backyard, littered with
empty beer cans, came into its own midway through the afternoon with the
introduction of the "Hit a can, Skull a can" rule.
But the extra
alcohol did not dent the Queen's concentration, says Johnno: "The more
she drank, the straighter she played. The bloody beer just made her better."
Johnno admitted to
not helping the cause by bowling 14 long-hops in a single over.
The match, extended into the night by backyard floodlights,
ended in controversial circumstances when Johnno, unable to
locate the ball, bowled the sack from a wine cask and took out middle
stump. David Boon described the innings as "f**ing tops".
Queen's Victa won't start after 40 attempts.
Saturday, 9am: The Queen utilised most of the profanities
in the Queen's English and even invented some new ones after 40 futile
attempts to start her Victa.
"F**ing mongrel bastard!" said the Queen, pulling the starter cord.
"F**ing bloody dogturd thing!"
"Donkey-dick bitch-slut machine!"
"Useless piece of shi* lawnmower!"
"F**ing bloody F**-F**!"
The Queen kicked the Victa and stormed off in disgust.
later, when she had calmed down enough to give it another go, the Victa
started perfectly on the first pull.
"That'd be f**ing right", she said.
Queen tells dog to shuuuudup.
Sunday, 8am: During a morning chat over her backyard
fence to her next door neighbour, Her Majesty was overheard telling
her dog to "shuuuuuuudup ya bloody mongrel!".
This news comes just days
after the Queen was heard instructing her dog to "giddddown off me
frock, ya bloody stupid dog!"
Royal sources tell how the Queen's Blue Heeler, 'Bluey', is typically a
well behaved dog, but occasionally becomes a rotten little bastard
This was confirmed later in the day, when a bored Bluey dug up
the Queen's favourite azaleas and spread them all over the driveway.
Queen warned to cut booze, fags.
Tuesday 10am: "Cut the smokes, cut the booze, and lose the beergut."
This was the advice given to Queen Elizabeth II during her recent visit
to the doctor.
The GP told Her Majesty that a change of lifestyle was
needed if she still wanted to be Queen in 2010.
After hearing of her 4
pack a day habit and weekly consumption of 8 cases of Tooheys, the doctor
said she was in the "extremely high risk" category.
He paused and
added "I don't know how you are still alive".
The Queen, who drank from a longneck and chain smoked throughout
the checkup, asked how the hell she could possibly give up nicotine and
alcohol - her main reasons for living.
"We'd feel stupid watching the
footy without a beer or a smoke.
But we suppose we should give it a
Queen Farts and Laughs.
Monday, 4pm: The Queen was observed laughing loudly and fanning air away from herself after inadvertently letting a massive fart rip out.
"We are glad that's out", said Her Majesty, before laughing again and shaking her head.
"Well spoken!" said her mate Johnno, who was nearby.
"F**k me, that's rotten", Johnno added a short time later.
Royal insiders told how the Queen often farts, especially after a meal
of Heinz Chilli Beans, but said she usually blamed it on the corgis.
"Christ, that had staying power", said Johnno, 10 minutes after the incident.
The Queen later refuted an allegation from Johnno that something had crawled up her arse and died.