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They're Champions, they're Legends, and they're all
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Joey Johns is a top Aussie. He lives in Newcastle and plays for
a Rugby League team called the Newcastle Knights.
The Knights are
fairly popular in Newcastle, and they regularly get around 67 million
people attending their home games.
Newcastle footy fans are commonly
called the "Red and Blue Army", but this is an inapt description
because defence forces don't drink as much beer.
Joey is generally
thought by Newcastle people to be a genius, if not a god. As well as
being a champion on the footy field, Joey also does reasonably well
in local pubs, where he has been known to drink a sh**load. This may
be due to people shouting him beer wherever he goes.
All of Australia
loved Joey when he threw the winning pass against Manly in the 1997
Grand Final, because 99.99% of Australians hate Manly.
Joey has also
played footy for Australia against the Poms, who we trashed.
Joey Johns is a top Aussie.
Mick Doohan is a top Aussie. He is a famous Australian because he won
the World 500cc Superbike Championship about 35 times in a row. He also
set a new Australian record as he was the first person to break every
bone in their body more than ten times.
Mick Doohan has only spent 2
months of his life out of hospital and has metal plates in his legs,
arms, shoulders, knees, chest, wrists, elbows and feet as well as a
Kingswood door panel welded to his spine.
Each one of the 4,357 Doctors
that has treated Doohan reckon that his tolerance to pain makes him
almost superhuman, and any Aussie that has seen his party trick where
he hammers nails into his own forehead will tell you that it's true.
Doohan was made to retire from professional motorbike racing when the
metal content of his body started to affect his acceleration and
cornering speed, but that is cool because now some other riders can
have a chance at winning.
Mick Doohan is a top Aussie.
Hey Dad is a top Aussie show. It was the only sitcom ever made in
Australia that was funny.
It had a guy called Mr Kelly, who had a son
and two daughters. His eldest daughter was alright, and you'd put his
youngest on lay-by too.
He had a secretary called Betty from Walgett.
Betty was really really stupid, which is an unfortunate stereotype,
because people from Walgett are not stupid. They just talk slow.
A little fat kid also used to turn up and annoy Mr Kelly, but now he
does toilet paper commercials instead.
But out of all the characters
on Hey Dad, a guy called Nudge was the funniest. He used to walk into
the kitchen and say "Hi Mr Kelly what's in the fridge?".
original Nudge left and the show turned to sh**.
Hey Dad got dubbed into
German and now Germans love Hey Dad almost as much as they love David Hasselhoff. Hey Dad is a top Aussie.
The Panno is a top Aussie. It is just like a ute except
it has a roof over the tray so your beer doesn't get wet.
When you put a mattress in the back of a Panno it becomes
a "shaggin waggon", and most mothers will not let their
daughters near one.
The rear section has windows at the
side to provide for easy condom disposal or to allow bong
air to ventilate out.The large back window usually has
curtains to give you privacy while you root, and but the
back springs are noisy enough so that all of your mates
know that you're getting a shot off.
Many conservative religious groups try to lobby the goverment
to ban the Panno, calling them "four-wheeled fornication emporiums".
Pannos are also grouse
cars for carting heaps of stuff around, like fifteen of your pi**ed mates down to the pub.
Many tradesmen love Pannos and use them as work vehicles, because building sites are prime
areas to pick up chicks for a quick shag. Just ask any carpenter.
The Panno is a top Aussie.
David Foster is a top Aussie. He is a World Champion woodchopper from Tasmania.
Foster was won so many woodchopping events that some people
reckon he's the most successful sportsman in history, which sounds
about right because he's an Aussie.
In fact, if you put all of his
woodchopping medals together in a pile, it would make a bloody big pile.
David's success as a woodchopper is partly due to his technique,
partly due to his equipment, but mostly due to the fact that he is a
huge massive tank of a man who could probably drink a whole keg
without getting a shine.
His facial hair is also in compliance with
Tasmanian moustache legislation, which states that all men must
endeavour to look like Boonie.
David Foster is a top Aussie.
Phar Lap was a top Aussie horse, and probably the fastest horse in the
history of the universe. He ran so fast that officials regularly checked
him to see if he didn't have a Holden Red six hidden in him.
is a Thai phrase meaning 'too fast for the glue factory'. Phar Lap was in
fact too fast for his own good. While he being led to the stables at
Caufield Racecourse a car pulled up beside Phar Lap and shots were fired
from the window, but Phar Lap simply outran the bullets.
Phar Lap won so
many races that racing officials decided to handicap him to buggery. He
entered the 1930 Melbourne Cup carrying a handicap of a Datsun 180B, but
still won it anyway. In the 1931 Cup Phar Lap was made to carry a Datsun
180B filled with rugby players, and this weight finally proved too much
for the champion horse.
Phar Lap then went over to Yankeeland to show the
Seppos how to race, but the Seppos fed Phar Lap too many hotdogs and he
died of a heart attack.
Pharlap's reputation is clouded because some people
allege that he was born in New Zealand, a claim which which cannot possibly be true due to all
the races he won.
Phar Lap is a top Aussie.
Skippy is a top Aussie. Skippy was a bush kangaroo who became a
On the TV show, Skippy lived with a Park Ranger and
his two kids, who were always getting into strife. Skippy always used
to rescue the kids or whoever was in trouble with a response time
that would put the Ambulance service to shame.
People thought that
Skippy could talk because he made a "tik tik tik" sound, but Skippy
was really just pretending to be a wristwatch.
Skippy eventually quit
the TV show citing mistreatment: the two kids always used to pull his
tail and the producers stored 6-packs of beer in his pouch.
Unfortunately Skippy's freedom did not last long, only two weeks after
quitting the show he was caught in the headlights of a HZ ute doing about
140 along an outback road.
Although Skippy's death saddened all
of Australia, his scrotum made an excellent coin purse and his mangled
carcass featured in several roo-meat pies.
Skippy is a top Aussie.
Paul Hogan is a top Aussie.
He used to be a scaffolder on the Sydney
Harbour Bridge. Hoges was a funny bastard up on the bridge, and always
did stuff like spit gollies into convertibles down below.
New Faces and was such a funny bastard that Winfield and Fosters got him
to do TV ads for them.
In British TV ads for Fosters Hogan convinced the
Poms that their own beer was warm horsepi** and Fosters became massive
over there. Hogan also did his "shrimp on the barbie" ads for Australian
Tourism which resulted in large numbers of Americans buying barbeques
Hoges then did 60 episodes of "The Paul Hogan Show", where
he played himself, and did funny stuff like climb bridges and spit into
Hogan then made Crocodile Dundee which made him a
legend, if only because he got with Linda Kozlowski who was a hundred
years younger than him.
His famous line in Dundee II "That's not a knife,
this is a knife" started a trend of weapons carrying in Australia that
the Federal Prohibited Weapons Act is struggling to cope with.
Paul Hogan is a top Aussie.
The Big Donger
The Big Donger is a top Aussie. It is an observation tower in
Newcastle that was constructed when the city planners saw the
need for a massive penis-like structure in the middle of town.
The Big Donger is called many names by locals, most of which play
on the fact that mate it looks like a huge dick.
If you feel energetic,
you can climb up the inner staircase to the top, where the views of
the city will provide a momentary distraction which allows you to
forget that you are standing inside an enormous stiffy.
Donger is built onto the side of a brewery, but that is small
consolation considering that it is a 30 metre steel tubed hard-on.
Although most Novocastrians regard the immense pork-sword as an
eyesore, the Big Donger is still a top Aussie.
The Original Top Aussie Website
The Original Top Aussie Website was brilliant.
It was so good, I copied bits of it (except the swear words) for this website.
Nosedog, the site owner is a bloody genius but sadly it looks like his geocities website is no more.
Last updated 25th February 2011.